Bonjour from the other side of the world, mes chéries! Although I’m coming to you live from a 15-hour flight right now (not actually live, of course. But you get the point) you’ll be reading this a few days into my trip. With all this time alone and away from the internet and social media, I’ve had a lot of time to think about the past, present, and future. It’s been a while since I talked about all things “love” so I figured why not dive into one of the biggest conversations I found unfolding in my mind: the classic topic of sex.
Forgive me for going Carrie Bradshaw on you all, but in this century, sex is a big topic of conversation. It sells, whether it be products or scandal magazines. It contributes to multiple political issues from abortions to curing diseases. More directly, it affects all of the relationships around us.
It’s funny because when I was a virgin, I was told that you should never put a physical act, like sex, on a pedestal. You should never equate it to anything significant or give it the power to destroy what is emotionally important. Sex is sex. Love is love. Don’t confuse the two up, but understand that love can be brought into sex. I was also told that after you lose your virginity, nothing changes that much but EVERYTHING changes.
What the fuck, right?
I’ve given this entire sex debacle a long, hard thought (ba-dum-tsssss) before I finally grasped what this person meant: Sex itself doesn’t change you. Maybe it changes what you pursue with your sexuality, but it doesn’t necessarily change your core being. You can be more conservative or more free-spirited regardless of whether or not you have sex. So no, sex doesn’t change you; instead, sex changes everything around you. Your relationships with others change and are affected differently once sex is in the picture.
Still confused? Let’s break it down for you via a classic example.
In every city or every community if you will, there are always groups of friends. Some are on far sides of the social spectrums while many overlap in some way. But no matter what city or what community you are in, there will always be a classic friend-slept-with-an-ex-boyfriend scandal. Think about every popular TV series, movie, or book you’ve read. Think about all the groups of friends around you. I guarantee that one of them have this scandal in it. It’s relatable because it occurs so often.
In this situation, there are many ways things can pan out. But let’s put that aside and get to the core of the topic at hand: sex. If sex really is just nothing but sex and no emotions, then why give a meaningless one-night stand the power to ruin something already established? So when these two girls in some TV show get into a massive dramatic fight that keeps you at the edge of the seat till next week’s episode, what is it about? Is it actually about the sex? Or is it something so much more?
In all the years that I was engulfed in these scandals, I learned from the great writers of these shows and books that main character in these plot isn’t always mad about the sex, but rather the meaning behind her friend’s actions. Disloyalty. Distrust. Betrayal. Allowing selfish desires to be put above a friendship with someone is what it’s really about. What is also interesting is that in real life situations, something as small as flirting, a kiss, or a light hookup can also manifest this type of problem. So even if a sex triangle didn’t actually erupt, anything “sexual” would still manifest as a problem.
After a careful reflection of all the times sex has either given me a friendship (because yes you can became great friends with a fellow Eskimo sister), killed a friendship, or affected a relationship, I realized the problem isn’t sex; the problem is what people do with it. People seek it for pure pleasure, regardless of the creature it’s with. Think Samantha Jones. “A good fuck is a good fuck!” Others only seek it for passion and pure love with one significant other in their entire lives. Some use sex to hurt people. Some use sex to manipulate people. Some even use sex for their own selfish benefits. Others, like myself, see sex with our (now) mutual friend as just something that happened, not something that necessarily affects our friendships.
The message I have for you is that sex is everywhere. We can’t avoid it. What we can avoid is letting sex control our lives or using sex in a morally wrong way. If someone you’re supposedly friends with hooks up with your ex, your first love, or just someone who was a very significant person in your romantic past, ask yourself this: was it just sex or was there something more? It took me three years to learn that sometimes sex is just sex. The sexual interaction between two people, even if connected to you, is sometimes separate from your relationship with either party. It’s a hard perspective to reach, but very freeing once you don’t let other people’s sexual life affect your own.
Now don’t get me wrong. Sometimes people are trying to hurt you through sexual actions. But the other times, people are sometimes just so desperately in need of getting laid that they are willing to take whatever offer came their way, even if it means degrading themselves to quite a low level. So unless it’s really more than a reckless attempt to satisfy an itch, let them eat cake. After all, they’re the ones who were willing to let anything stick it in themselves/stick themselves in regardless of the consequences. These type of people’s gluttony will catch up with them always.
So the next time you want a good fuck and someone who is probably off-limits due to a friend or honestly for whatever reason presents the opportunity, my suggestion is to take a look at the people involved and figure out their perspectives on sex before making any careless or tactless decisions. If you’re unsure, take the safer route instead of doing something blatantly morally wrong. Trust me, karma is a bitch.
Bon appétit, mes chéries 😉