New Year, New Me?

Happy New Year, mes chéries! How were your New Year’s Eves? A few college friends and I hosted a party and spent it with our friends, old and new. It was definitely a fun way to ring in the new year and close out an interesting one. But now that the glitter has been swept away, the reality of starting a new year is starting to sink in. I don’t know about you, but 2017 definitely tossed me into the new year with zero warnings.

Whenever I hear the phrase “New year, new me!” I am so conflicted. I’ve always seen a new year as just a change in the calendar date rather than a whole new revolutionary movement to self-improve. I definitely still try to set resolutions to ensure I actively continue to work on myself and my goals. But at the end of the day, I see time as a continuum. While there are definitely periods of time that stand out for whatever reason, a change in the date is not one of the definitive markers for me.

Despite world events and politics in 2017, it was definitely one of my better years. It was full of life milestones, like graduation, moving out, starting my first job, and some of my favorite life memories. I had the best college semester ever in the spring and overcame a handful of personal struggles. I thought I made it. I thought I was living my dream. However, the year took a large dip in the fall when I was a month or two into my “real world” life. While I’m definitely crawling out of that hole a little further now, the obstacles I faced at the end of 2017 are still present as I head into 2018.

This year, albeit only 8 days old, has already forced me to ask myself a handful of very difficult questions in career, in life, and in love. The first few days included a boatload of self-interviews. I asked myself to be honest about how happy I am with where I’m at in life, where do I actually want to be in five years, what do I want to learn, and who I want to become. With major changes in structure and management at work, I had to really reevaluate my career trajectory. Was I happy with what I was doing? What did I want to see happen? It was time I was honest with myself. So I sat down and planned where I want to see my career go, what skills I want to learn along the way, and the timeline I hope to follow. In terms of friendships and personal relationships, I was experiencing one too many growing pains. I took a step back and thought about which people in my life cause me more grief than happiness or just aren’t on the same page as me anymore and made the decision to slowly distance myself.

As for love, I finally feel ready to let people in again. No matter how confident I am in myself, I still let the wounds that people in my past left on me affect me beyond what is acceptable. I’ve never truly gotten into this outside of a few conversations with close friends: I don’t really know what it’s like to be “loved.” Every time I’ve felt “loved” or whatnot, I was told I wasn’t loved but rather just “cared about.” On top of that, every person who has said I make them happy has always found an excuse to keep me at arm’s length. Maybe this speaks volumes about my poor choice in men, or maybe I’m just too fabulous! 💃🏻Nonetheless, it royally damaged me enough that I reached high levels of anxiety, depression, and suffer almost a year of massive panic attacks. Worst of all, anytime someone showed interest in me these past two years, I would  self-sabotage it because I had convinced myself those “signs” meant nothing and that I wasn’t worthy or capable of being loved at all.

Now that two years have passed and time has healed the bigger wounds, I learned my biggest lesson at the end of 2017: by letting your heart and your mind be crippled by the past or the pain people caused you no matter what the situation was, you’re letting them define and restrict your happiness. Assholes are everywhere, but it doesn’t mean every person you meet will be as indecent as the last. If a friend or an ex or coworker or maybe even a family member significantly hurt you, they already caused enough damage in the past. Why give their insecurities or weaknesses the power of ruining good things for you in the future? Why let all these people who didn’t have the capacity to love you like you deserve prevent you from ever knowing what being loved feels like? Why let anyone’s opinions prevent you from shooting for your biggest dreams?

So this brings me back to the phrase “new year, new me.” I’m not quite a “new me” yet, but I have a good idea of who I want her to be. I want her to read more, learn more, and be more in-tune with the world. I want to say “Yes!” more often because why not? I want her to explore and travel. I want her to take more risks and chase after who and what she wants. I want her to feel challenged by her career and motivated to break through barriers. I want her to not be afraid of love. I also want her to work out more and eat less cheese…but I don’t know how well she’ll take that. 😂 Most importantly, I want her to find her fire again.

So after listing out your resolutions, ask yourself this: Who is your new you? Where do you want him/her to go? Who do you want him/her to be? What do you want him/her to achieve? Do you know? Now go out and be this person.

Happy new year, mes chéries! Until next time, bisou bisou…