Bubbly

I’m sure you’ve been told that people come into our lives for a reason. Once they’ve fulfilled their purpose, don’t be afraid to let them go. As much as I strongly believe that and give people this advice, I loathe it.

I was on a quest for happiness this year. It’s been a while since I’ve been in any sort of “thing” or relationship where I felt light and at peace. So when the chance for me to explore something wonderful arrived at my doorstep, I was elated and clung onto it immediately. I got a taste of happiness and butterflies and everything I’ve been yearning to have. I finally picked the right type of guy to invest myself in emotionally. We had this happy little “bubble” where we could go to when we needed a break from the heavy things in life.

The universe, however, seems to love playing cruel jokes on me. Due to very unfortunate circumstances and really poor timing, I didn’t get to fully embrace that opportunity. There were too many temporary complications and responsibilities that couldn’t be altered, leading to too many risks. Pursuing it fully meant comprising on each other’s morals which would result in a pool of guilt and pain from both ends. It was way too hard to be what the other needed at that moment. No matter how much I fought, I knew how it would end. I knew how much it would break me if we did pursue it. I didn’t care because I wanted it so badly. But he did. He couldn’t let that happen, he couldn’t hurt me like that. Unlike others in my past who often just took and took, he stopped and let me go.

I was crushed.

I don’t think I’ve ever sobbed so hard in my life. It was like every slight hope I had of ever calling something and someone so good mine shattered. The fact that I didn’t even get a chance to develop the relationship and couldn’t without turning something good into something toxic tore me apart.

How did this happen? Why would something that could be so incredible come to me at the worst time possible?  And what if we weren’t in this position? What if we didn’t need to be a million places and our time could be ours? Not our friends’, our academics’, our careers’, or our families’ but just yours, mine, and ours?

I’m sure as you read this, someone might come to mind. Whether it’s because you’ve been in my shoes or watched a friend go through it, you know it’s like watching a bad season finale or a poorly scripted romance movie. There are so many things that I cannot change and a few that I wish I could have back when I had the power to. It’s heartbreaking to think that at any other time, this would have been possible. This could have been beautiful. But today and tomorrow are not any other times. They are present, and they are rough.

It’s going to take a long time for me to stop wondering “What If?” and accept that everything works out for the best. I’m not sure our paths will cross again in the future. Maybe we’ll get a chance. Maybe we won’t. After all, you can never predict the future even if you have every bit of information available to you. But what you can do is understand how this present will help your future.

As I said earlier, I was on a quest for happiness this year. I found it. Although I didn’t get to keep my little bubble, I got to keep the memories and the feelings of it. That’s all I really needed. Mes chéries, if you are ever in the same situation, you need to remember this: Staying with him won’t make you happier, but what you felt and experienced will help you learn what you want and where to seek it. You’re not going to find another “perfect” person or anyone remotely like him for a while because you’re going to frame your happiness around him. But that’s ok. With time, you’ll find new versions of that happiness.

If you ever miss your happy bubble, know that you can always return to it in you mind. I hope he/she can too. For those of you out there who have fell short of something good because of time or shitty circumstances, don’t worry. Something is out there. Just stay on track and you’ll find it. Trust me, if I can believe it, so can you.

Bonne chance, mes chéries!

 

-E.